All the love of this earth.
All the love that there is on this earth will not be enough for me, will not help me to bear what happens to me after you, Allal.
You went so far away, to a world I know nothing about. And you will not return.
There is nothing ahead of me now but memory, absence, love without you.
You watched me for months and months when I went to the souk with my father. You weren’t afraid of him and you let your eyes speak, follow me, enter me, and decide for me what would follow, happen. Be with you. Be yours. Be your wife. Your eyes didn’t say that I was beautiful nor that you were in love with me. No, none of that. Your eyes played, danced, and invited me to do the same. Dance with you in public, in the souk. That was what you wanted, what excited you. To see how I would react, what I would show of myself. My reaction to your stares when my father was right there, beside me. Together we carry a basket of vegetables, he and I. We are perfectly respectable. Was my father unaware? I don’t think so. He plays innocent, my father. But he’s tender. Tender and submissive to his second wife. It’s only in this souk, once per week, that I can have him all to myself. It’s only here that he dares show me any affection and buys me donuts coated with sugar.
You had planned your strategy, Allal. You went for it, you spoke. Not to me, no. To my father who, for some time, had been trying to get rid of me. Me, Malika, his daughter. He couldn’t take it anymore, watching his second wife humiliate me every day and saying nothing about it.
He said nothing, my father. He was enchanted by her, bewitched. He’d lost his head a long time ago. He let himself be guided, directed. I was his weak point. The daughter of his first marriage.
She grew up, little Malika. Seventeen years old. She’s a woman now. Entirely a woman. She must be given to someone. Find her a man. There are plenty in this vast bled where everyone keeps tabs on everyone else.
Let me help you carry the second basket, my uncle. That’s how you approached us, Allal.
It’s too heavy for you and your daughter, my uncle.
Okay, my son. May God show you the path to paradise, my son.
You were walking on the other side. My father was between us. You acted like manly men, you spoke of crops, of the sky that had been generous with rain that year, and of the French who still didn’t want to leave Morocco. You spoke of the facts of life that I didn’t yet know about. And suddenly, my father stopped and said:
You’re the son of Saleh, aren’t you?
How had he guessed? I never would have known.
I am the youngest son of Saleh, yes. I am Allal, my uncle.
Allal. That’s right. Little Allal. How you’ve grown! You don’t remember him, Malika? Look. It’s Allal. Give him your hand and greet him. Allal is like a cousin to you. Give him your hand. Don’t be shy. Allal is from the same place as us, from the same extended family as us. Same blood and same flesh. Look at him. I am here with you, Malika. Look at Allal. He has become a man. Bigger than me. Look.
Later, I understood that my father knew all about my little game. He had seen everything. My little dances for you, Allal. Your eyes permanently fixed on me. Your eyes devouring me.
It was my father, Baba, who insisted on bringing me with him to the souk, and he was the one who wanted to buy me donuts each time from the old woman set up next to a little open-air café. Your café, Allal.
You were there. In that café. You were always there.
I am standing near the old woman’s stall. I am alone. Baba told me he would be back in about ten minutes. I eat the donuts very slowly. I take my time. I let you look at me all you want. My body. My character. My history. I am strong. That is what you will love about me. A strong woman who engulfs you entirely. Not a woman just for a night. No. I am a woman for something serious, you see that, a woman to accompany you and help you as you face off against zman, time, which passes and ends up ruining us all. I am Malika. I am in very good health. I am not lazy. I see things through. I have good teeth. My hair is very black. My thighs are solid. My chest will continue to grow, don’t worry. My stomach is large. And my Berber tattoo between the eyes means one thing: I am loyal. Loyal and cunning, to be frank. But I imagine that doesn’t scare you, my cunning. You continue to watch me, you don’t judge me. I please you. I please you, I know it. Look, Allal. Look. I’ve finished eating the second donut. I start on the third. I want you to see that I have a healthy appetite. I eat. I eat. I love food, all kinds of food. I am a woman who is not ashamed to eat. Malika. Malika, Allal. It’s for you. Come. Come. When will you come?
You walk with us, Allal. Down our path. You help us, me and Baba. You carry the second basket. And you speak. You have a lot to say. I barely listen. I let myself be soothed by the sound of your voice. I enter into that voice and its world. My father is delighted. He has understood that you are a man who is not afraid. A man full of words that ring true and good stories to share. A man who reveals himself all at once, who is open, who says: Here is my heart.
Hope exists. With your body, Allal, in your heart, Allal, I will find another path. Finally flee my stepmother and her maliciousness. Thwart destiny. Grab hold of hope, have proof of it.
I will live.
Baba suddenly asks you that question, direct, too direct: What do you have in life, my son Allal?
You answer honestly. You don’t even stop to think.
I have nothing but my open-air café, my uncle. I bring it with me from souk to souk, from mausoleum to mausoleum. It’s not much, I know. It’s no guarantee of a beautiful future, I know. But I live well, even very well during the summer, with this café. I’ve managed to save up a bit of money. I live with my parents. In their house. And I have two brothers who are younger than me. I am twenty-seven years old, my uncle. It is time for me to get married. I have cousins younger than me who already have children. I want to get married.
I daydream. I look at your feet, Allal. Your feet in leather sandals. They are dirty, your feet. Strong and dirty. I want to take them in my hands, those feet, right there, on the spot. Wash them slowly, gently, very gently. And then massage them with olive oil. I know how. I practice on my father’s feet when he comes home at night from working in the field. Isn’t that right, Baba? Tell Allal that I know how to massage feet. Tell him. Tell him. This detail is very important. Men’s feet. Allal’s feet. I will always begin with your feet, Allal. And then everything will be easy. Love. Love.
The dream of love.
We’ve arrived at our house. We’re in front of the door. You place the basket on the ground. My father invites you in for a cup of mint tea. You say that you have to return to the souk to pack up your café. Baba insists:
At least a glass of water, Allal. You accept.
Bring him a glass of water, my daughter Malika.
It’s only you and me now. Baba has gone to bring the baskets inside the house. He’ll be back any minute now.
You drink the water. You’re very thirsty. I watch you drink the entire glass in one gulp. Your eyes are closed. Your head is tilted back. I see your strong neck. I see everything, everything, from close up. Heat rises in me. The dark black hairs of your short beard. Your nose, long and thin. Your lips, the color of the land here: red ocher. Your ears, huge and strange. Your head is almost shaved, like a thief ’s. You never let your hair grow, I believe. Why not?
I want to reach out my hand and caress your head.
You are a man. You are handsome. I find you handsome. I tell you this, in my heart: You are so handsome, Allal.
Did you hear me?
You are handsome. You are not rich but you are handsome.
I breathe in the smell of your body, Allal. The body of a man beaten by the sun for years and years, browned by the sun, almost black from the sun. A body that’s sweating, dripping. It is hot. It is cold. It is burning.
Allal, you come toward me. Open your legs, you say. Open them. Open, Malika.
I open them. Immediately. For you. I have been waiting for so long. I am seventeen years old. It is time. To give myself to you, Allal. Take you inside me, mix together our scents and our sweat. Our paths.
And our dreams.
You have finished drinking the water, Allal. You make no improper or uncalled-for gesture. You’re in front of Baba’s house. I emerge from my dream beside your body. I lower my eyes. You hand me the glass. Your hand touches my hand. It lasts three or four seconds. Your heat, Allal. The heat on the surface of your skin. It enters me and courses through all of me, from my head to my toes. You say goodbye.
Bsslama, Malika. Bsslama, Allal.
You leave. Right away. I watch you leave. You walk. You walk quickly. You are so light. You are skinny. You are fragile. You are a little bird. I am stronger than you.
You turned left. You disappeared from my sight. But you are still here, in the air. I see you. Your trace. Your memory. Your gentle virility.
Baba returns.
Come in, Malika. Come in, my little girl. Allal is a fine man.
It’s in God’s hands now.
You came back to see us a month later to ask for my hand. Both of your parents were with you. And your best friend too: Merzougue. He’s my brother, more than my brother, I heard you say to my father when you introduced him. Merzougue. Some- times, a friend is much better than a brother, you’re right, Allal.
Merzougue was seated next to you, glued to you. When I entered the living room of our house to serve everyone mint tea, Merzougue said:
She’s lucky, your daughter.
Baba didn’t ask for much money as a dowry. Almost nothing.
But to your parents, Allal, he spoke from the heart:
Malika will be your daughter. I give her to you. I am not selling her. I am entrusting her to you. I am not forcing Malika to do anything. She is your daughter. Life will smile on her with you and your son Allal. Life will finally reward her. I am counting on you.
Hearing these words, my stepmother stood up and left the living room. She wanted to show her disapproval of Baba’s words and what he was implying. I went to check whether or not the couscous was ready.
Baba continued his speech.
My daughter Malika lost her mother at a very young age. I couldn’t raise her on my own. In this life, a man cannot weather the storm without a wife. I married again. I had no choice.
Your father then began speaking.
You daughter Malika will be our daughter. Do not worry. And our son Allal is your son. God will guide us on this path as good Muslims with pure hearts. But . . . but . . .
But what?
The dowry is a bit too substantial for our son. How much money can you give for my daughter?
This isn’t about money. Trust is the most important thing. How much?
That’s for you to decide. Our son is a good son. A man. He is not afraid of work. He is—
How much?
Half of what you asked.
Baba turned toward me. He took my hand in his.
Malika, my daughter, you have heard what has just been said. Are you okay with all of this? I am not forcing you to do anything. Do you want to marry Allal under these conditions? You won’t tell me later that I sold you for nothing? Allal is here, in front of you. His parents are here, in front of you. You have heard everything they said. Their proposition. Money isn’t every- thing in life, but . . . but sometimes you have to know . . .
I am okay with it, Baba. I want to marry Allal. I accept what his parents propose.
You have all heard it. My daughter Malika agrees. She is your daughter now. She is yours. She is yours, my son Allal. We will celebrate the wedding in a month. Now let’s read Surah Al-Fatiha, since we are all in agreement.
Listening to these words, I looked at you, Allal. You didn’t look at me at that moment, Allal.
You turned toward your friend Merzougue and you gave each other a very warm embrace. Two friends. Two brothers.
And I understood, seeing you entwined like that for a long time, too long, that there was a secret between you. A very special bond.
Baba was even forced to intervene. He said to you:
That’s enough now, Allal my son. Let go of Merzougue and give Malika a kiss on the head.
You kissed me timidly in front of everyone. Merzougue smiled wide and warmly encouraged you.
You returned to Merzougue. You looked at each other. You were excited. You embraced again. You were entwined again. In front of us all. You were not ashamed.
What am I supposed to do, I thought, faced with such a spectacle? Who is marrying whom here?
I understand and I don’t understand. I see and I don’t see. The world of men from the bled. Solidarity between men of the bled. The gestures of men. Men spend the majority of their time together. Man to man. And what happens happens. They touch each other. While they wait. Nothing new. It’s natural. Allal and Merzougue, it’s natural. One shouldn’t ask too many questions.
Allal has a friend and a supporter: Merzougue. I shouldn’t take that away from him. I am not the only person in Allal’s life and heart.
I am not jealous of Merzougue. Do you hear me, Allal? Even when I saw you together with my own eyes on the terrace of the house, on top of each other, naked, naked, I did not become jealous. It was night. Summer. It was too hot. That’s all. I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t devastated. I know what life is like. The facts of life.
Merzougue was here long before me.
Merzougue is not a dangerous man. When he looks at me, his eyes don’t change. His eyes are always full of tenderness.
Merzougue is all that’s left to me now that you’re gone, Allal. When I see him, I see you. I make him food. I invite him over. He comes. He eats like you, has the same mannerisms as you. He eats for you, in memory of you. I don’t cry.
Merzougue predicted what was going to happen in Indochina. He did everything to stop you from going there, so far away, so far away, to fight for the French, to fight against people you didn’t even know, to kill people who had done nothing to you. You wouldn’t hear any of it.
I’ll bring back money, a lot of money. And life will be good for the three of us. You, Malika. You, Merzougue. And me, with you. We’ll move out of my parents’ house. We’ll be free from my parents. We’ll buy land that we’ll cultivate. And we’ll have lots of children. Many, many children. We’ll be comfortable, you’ll see. I’ll wage their war and I’ll take their money. That’s my mission.
How naive you were, Allal. And how I regret not having fol- lowed my intuition: to do everything I could to stop you from walking into your own death. Death in a land that doesn’t exist for us, a country that isn’t real to us.
We listened to you, Allal. You dreamt and constructed a prosperous future for us, in front of us. You convinced us. No, that’s not true. You ate our brains. We let you leave.
Where is Allal?
Allal is in Indochina.
Any news from Allal?
Allal died in Indochina.